MODERN MINISTRY LOG

So today, I plan on sharing with you the start of my 2020 spiritual journey. Just the start of it then I'll gauge how much I want to continue with as I go...

I won't say my "coming to Christ" was something new or that I was ever a nonbeliever in anyway but walking intentionally with Him, living for Him, and depicting Him throughout my entire being... that's the rebirth journey I'm on this year. That's the work I've committed to putting in.

I have actually been hesitant to write about this, a vulnerability I've just recently been tapping into. But it's been placed on my heart to open up on the blog, about where I've been, where I'm at, and where I am headed. During this season of my life, my main priority is to be obedient. When I am called I want to be able to respond. That is in all things.

If you don't know much of me, rewinding back, I was born into a religious household. Amarachi means God's grace. God as a whole was on my lips long before I could fluently speak of Him and truly get to know Him. I was baptized as a Catholic at around 6 months of life. And I started walking that path somewhat superficially ever since. Every Sunday, every Holy day of obligation, every available opportunity my family went to church. We did kinderchurch (basically a separate children's ministry during mass) and CFF which prepared us for the sacraments of first communion and confirmation. 

My parents signed my siblings and I up for choir in grade school which we've been in to this day. Through all the transitions of choir masters we the group evolved together. At the high school level, time was spent with the youth/teen group but by then it was clear our passion was no longer there. After school activities like dances, basketball games and movie hangouts took our interests. 

I can frankly say church felt like one of the things I was "supposed to be" doing. It became a chore-like responsibility in my adolescent years and that unfortunately seeped into my college perspective. I knew of God's existence. I knew of the divinity of Jesus Christ, I knew of the Holy Spirt and the Virgin Mary. I knew to believe. I knew to go to church and not only on Sundays and I knew to pray. 

But every single bit of it was base level with a growing amount of unanswered/poorly answered questions. I completely fell off in my early 20s. 

I had the opportunity to move out of state from California to Oregon by the time I was 18. My mom, bless her, as the devout-est of devotees in the family would always weasel "did you find a good church" first and once the answer finally became a yes "did you go to church this week" into every one of her checkup calls. I would reply with what she wanted to hear and not necessarily the truth. I was up late doing this, that or the other, I slept in and I just didn't feel like going sometimes. 

When we were younger my mom would always make sure we had a rosary, a bible, and exposed us to all the Catholic Christian outlets whether online, on TV, or on radio. Even if I told her I didn't have time to physically appear in church she would point out my many resources to cover the Lord's day. And above all else we should pray. 

I was praying alright. For passing scores on exams and courses I didn't deserve. For the boy on the second floor to notice me. For the perfect outfit to go out in. My priorities were clearly out of whack. I started drinking, getting into relationships (some better than others), engaging in behavior unapproved. I soon moved to Las Vegas to participate in more of the same practices. I befriended people who adamantly refused God therefore our values often clashed but I never fought it. 

Even now I can recall some out of body experiences where it was only by the grace of God I made it the next morning and I would think to myself, "Amara how did we get here?"... "Look at you. Almost a doctor, beating a few odds, and still acting a fool."  In a city labeled SIN I've made more than several questionable choices in just those 3 years. But the story remained. Pray when you needed something, make some noise when you got it, maybe go to church if you remembered/were in the mood. My bible was under my bed collecting dust. I had a room rosary tangled with necklaces at the corner of my jewelry box and a car rosary which I probably utilized the most... I don't play about safely getting from point A to point B. 

I maintained this outward appearance. Essentially everything was superficial. On the inside I was unhappy, I placed my worth heavily on my gains. I was in grad school to receive a doctorate degree in pharmacy, something I've always wanted. I had a lot of wins on my side by the age of 24. There were times I got the guy/romance I wanted so again another tip of the hat. I was spending way too much on nice clothes and makeup, I was doing thAngs with my social media presence... again my priorities were somewhere else. 

It wasn't until I graduated and settled with myself to move back in my parents house that I dreamt of change. I wanted to rekindle the right relationships, let go of everything steering me wrongly, take my faith a little more seriously along with other material/career hopes I believe I've mentioned on here before. And we all know how the year panned out. 

If you want to make God laugh...

CPJE, COVID, periods of unemployment. Those gains I celebrated just a year ago were reduced to nothing and prolonged stagnation in my eyes. I worked hard, constantly pushing for a lot of things to occur "later", only for 2020 to remind on the largest of scales that later doesn't reach for everybody. 

I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt abandoned. 

I needed something. So I prayed. 

I prayed with such vigor night after night. A pool of tears around me. It took a while before realizing I was more in sorrow about how fake my relationship was with God. 

You ever take a step back and notice just how unfamiliar you are with someone? Someone you would claim at high volumes in public places? Someone who is supposed to be your closest connection ever? 

God, You search me and You know me. Flaws and all You are behind me. But I only pretend to know You. 

How insincere, that we only talk when I need from You? 

I took the time to call myself out and shift my focus. This was the reason for my season. To seek God, know Him, study Him, and surrender. Galatians 2:20

Church went back into my routine naturally living with my parents. I’m singing more gospel than hip-hop. Reading more of His word than the clutter on Facebook and Twitter. 

I’ve assigned God as my best friend whom I share every detail of my life with. The one I consult before major decisions, in addition to being the shoulder I cry on... 

Can you think of a friend, here on Earth, who you only seem to remember when you need something? Someone who in the relationship is the give and you're the take... no 50|50?

I'm here to tell you as Christians, that dynamic should not fly with God. To know Him and to know of Him are completely different things. Give your time and energy to show God the love is reciprocated. We may never come near the magnitude of what He has for us. However oftentimes, it's in the showing. It's in walking intentionally. It's in acknowledging His presence throughout our daily lives always. 

I think I'll end here and continue on (maybe) another day... if you made it all the way down here I thank you. If you want me to make this a thing for real let me know I just might out of peer pressure lol. 

Have an amazing rest of your day!