Dear -######-,
You did an amazing job making me feel grateful. Grateful for your time, grateful for your attention, grateful beyond measure just for your presence...
Heck I'd be nothing by myself. Nothing without you, remember? Credit where it's due because at such a young age as a first "love" you had the manipulation game down pat 👌🏽
Years out. Physically free but emotionally scarred I wanted so bad to replace you.
I wanted a new relationship.
I wanted a best friend.
I wanted to trust again.
I wanted happiness.
So fast forward to December 2017 and who was I kidding, I still wasn't ready. It was that facetime. From his car. Even though it's been so long it simultaneously felt like we had seen each other yesterday. Phone positioned at the same summer angle, the constant eye shift he kept between me and the road (dangerous I know). Why did I pick up?
"How have you been?"
Boy was I tempted to tear into him. Tell him everything that night but where would I start?
My birthday for which I'll resent him forever?
My flight that I literally just canceled?
His disappearance? Because only I was allowed to do that. Being on the other side isn't fair.
My trip to Houston?
My growing closeness to his friend...
Small talk went to interrogation fast. By the way I've gotten really good at that now. I'm pretty sharp with my tongue. Actually I'm a walking ball of stress, if you were to see the difference from how you and I were... I'm sure you wouldn't even recognize.
Everything was a fight. I call it the "normal" that you gave me. When were you and I not arguing?
This particular guy though. He had his faults but he was nothing like you. He didn't deserve-
Here I go on a tangent.. let's continue.
We began to catch up. I purposefully left his friend out of the whole conversation and he interestingly brought Houston in—to it. What was I doing, who was I with... You know I hate territorial people lol. Especially if nothing has been claimed in the first place. What exactly are you barking about?
Although you're basically road scum and currently dead to me you had some things right in being a boyfriend first before making your noise.
You might be wondering why I'm writing to you about this random situation I was in that you have nothing to do with...
It's because with all that time I held on, in the dark confused about him I... was also left to think about you.
I hate thinking about you. The role you played in the person I am today. How I ended up so withdrawn. Being guarded after you it took YEARS to open up to someone else. Then it bit me right back.
This new guy drew me in so deep I couldn't figure what it was about him I wasn't able to let go of but finally things are connecting. He has your same qualities. I wanted to replace the you from my beginning with a version of you I happened to stumble across in the summer of 2017.
I went looking for another master manipulator. Someone to scar me up all over again. Someone who enjoyed the constant bickering and would match it with a smirk because my feistiness was "intriguing". The way that word now annoys my spirit.
I left the "nice guys" alone because nothing was challenging there. YOU molded this normal for me that was hands down abnormal and universally frowned upon.
They would ask why I was so strung up when I'm being treated like I don't matter but that's because I was USED TO THAT. The fighting kept me in, it showed passion, heart, it was comfortable. It wasn't right.
Now I'm a whole doctor. I'm doing a lot better for myself esteem wise. In the words of a famous Chizi Duru you cannot talk to me anyhow. Anymore.
2017 was tough. 2018 was complicated. 2019 I saw there was a light at the end of this tunnel. I took care of myself. I intentionally left the opposite sex by the wayside.
I honestly didn't think I would ever want to share me again. I mean I know my worth I'm obsessed with it. I love me and I see no one else but me.
In my days I've admittedly done enough boy chasing that my stamina is nonexistent (don't tell my Nigerian parents as far as they're concerned school and church were all I ever had time for)
But to end, -######-, I'm writing this because I know you won't be seeing a word.
You may have played your role on how I previously approached relationships but I've reclaimed all of that now. This is new decade energy. I'm here for the new chapters.
All the best,
lol yea right
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