Dec 2017
Still completely lost from the recent trip to Houston doing the unthinkable, holding on to this bucket of unresolved issues, and a floating New Year's ticket off to the side. It was one thing for this man to be the poorest communicator but to keep me guessing on less than a month's trip when I've known you to be a planner in advance... frustration took over.
"Again. We really need to talk." - Delivered.
In the meantime, I know all your friends.
"Hey.. so I have this dilemma, will you be in town for NYE?"
"A bunch of us will"
Lᴏʟ ᴀ ʙᴜɴᴄʜ. Bᴇᴛ.
"Okay so earlier in the year it was planned for me to come down and between now and then things have changed. The ghostee has become the ghosted and I'm not sure if it's actually worth it anymore. I want answers so I kinda don't wanna cancel (nothing like popping up on a whim) but do you think I should leave it?"
"Well what is he saying?"
"Absolutely nothing, that's why I'm here talking to you"
"Well to be honest the guy is never here for New Years."
Nᴇᴠᴇʀ... Lᴏʟ BIG ʙᴇᴛ.
"So I shouldn't come?"
"Well I mean I have my own plans for that weekend. I have a girl coming in but we can hang. You guys could room together I can ask"
...
"But if the entire time you're gonna be about this person it might not be fun for you. Especially if he's not there"
"I just wanted answers"
"I mean it's up to you and you should talk to him"
Not what I wanted to hear of course. How do I talk to someone not talking to me? You know this guy what's the deal? Give me answers I'm actually dying on the inside. Tell me what you know and help me connect the dots... Is this what ghosting feels like is this my karma?
Looking at my ticket, the texts, my alternative --- nothing's wrong with New Year's Eve in Vegas. My girl would be in town for her birthday. I'd be perfectly fine.
BUT. I JUST. WANTED. MY. ANSWERS.
"I'll sleep on it"
Less than 2 hours later the ticket was canceled. What am I doing?
The fact that I was even hovering with it for so long was embarrassment enough. HE told me things were ok. He told me so much, but it all contradicted. Then I was convinced I was above the joke of closure but held on because he was my one thing right. I let myself get vulnerable with a man outside of my family. I told him everything from my fears to the guilty pleasures that made me smile. Showed him everything from how busted I was moving apartments, sleeping on the floor, passing pharmacy exams, I had an early morning rush to urgent care and my daft behind called him first. Yes I guess, it was more of me actually it was a lot of me. April/May until now he flipped my entire perspective. My wounds from years ago were forgotten, this girl trusted someone again.
I constantly expressed myself during our late night video calls. We slept on screen and woke up on screen. I watched him get ready for work with the time difference and I talked a lot. With all that was said I forgot to mention how he changed me. Even if things didn't work out (me being the one who approached between us, I brought him into my life)... and if things didn't go as planned at least for me to let him know the role he played in my growth and happiness. That was gone.
You win some you lose more. It was time to dust myself off. School wasn't over and I still had projects to attend to.
Imagine finally cutting someone off and spending weeks gradually growing close to his friend who's trying to console you. Most would call it suspect and that's entirely fair.
I was given a distraction from those answers I tirelessly craved. He was funny, he was smart, he was driven. When passionate about something I could listen forever and he made fun of me for staring.
A distraction with the biggest heart and the toughest timing.
Now imagine being ready to shut one door, school is out and you're home for the holidays, on schedule to start over for the new year and
*facetime ring*
Bᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ɴᴏᴛ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ɪᴛ ᴜᴘ ... "Hello"
"Hey"
P.s so I usually don't talk about how I am inside relationships, let me know if you liked this though. I've been told I give off "take no shxt" vibes but I honestly get played like everyone else. It's always the quiet/composed ones you should try to get to know better right? I plan on continuing this story... in parts. It's been a good year.
P.s#2 NEVER allow relationships to deter you from school. Take a step back, breathe, regroup, reprioritize, renew.
xo
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