For the longest time my Instagram bio had a slightly modified version of Travis Scott's Sky Walker line
When his entire verse comes on, the volume goes up and y'all can't tell me ANYthing. Full disclosure.
It didn't hit until right around the new year but.. yea, a sis is actually pretty young.. After this "epiphany" twenty-free has been nothing but bliss man. Maybe it's the graduate school lifestyle, surrounding myself with plenty of older classmates (people in their late 20s while I'm barely creeping to 25) seemingly established.. I don't know I basically got lost for a minute. I started wanting and wishing for time to move a lot faster than it needed. I was pressed for so much in my life to already be set up for me and was throwing mini tantrums because naturally nothing was.
What does this mean? Honestly I'm just chatting here, but have you noticed the grass always seems greener on the other side? As a child all you dream of is growing up then once you're grown it's like... nope I change my mind. Even as a grown up you can find yourself looking forward to being MORE grown up. Essentially having life figured out (which spoiler alert never happens) or this sense of stability, something you most definitely don't attain in your 20s. As a self proclaimed and certified control freak the shakiness involved with being 20-something in this world brings on so much anxiety and days where I'd much rather hide in my room, doing nothing. I just want to be in bed until life is figured out is that too much to ask?
Financials
Adding on to all around stability just thinking of the financial aspect was kicking me down. My current state isn't the best that's for sure, and since starting school I've wanted to get a job. However, the rigors wouldn't allow for space. For others school and work was manageable but not so much on my end. I've just been going to school and back. Studying and struggling forgetting that this is life. Sure I'm ready to start earning my own money but I need to work to get exactly where I want to be. If that means hanging in a rut for a small amount of time, so be it. Things to come to terms with.
Relationships
The big one.. THE MAIN ONE. Let it be known Amara is not looking for a relationship, not right now... nope. New post on this will be out (we have so much to catch up on). But the emotional/logical consensus within me is that I'm not interested. I really haven't been but simultaneously self deception has been at play. I'm entertaining what I know deep down I shouldn't and again storytime is coming soon.
The first leg of 23 was a discouraging rough patch and it reflected heavily on my school performance, social outings, etc.. It took a new year for me to sit down and have a real self care - pep talk. Does this mean I've embarked on my quarter life crisis early? Leave it to me to be that kind of overachiever.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way I'm moving. My journey is pretty unique, and retrospectively I'm doing just fine.
No comments: