Yep, that's me. Status current.
Something I seem to have gotten quite expert at in my opinion. "Let's see you're willing to get close? How close? Hmm... you know what sounds even better? Quitting while we're ahead. I can tell it wasn't gonna last anyway..."
8 times out of 10 lately, when a relationship does not work out I'm the one. The one behind the sabotage. And whether it was for the best or not does an individual truly know when they're the one calling the shots?
Coupleship isn't supposed to be perfect that I know for sure. Then the rest is to the wind with me. You can get axed for the simplest of things in my book. Calling too much. Not calling enough. Not possessing the ability to read my mind. Etc.
And trust. This girl CUTS YOU OFF.
There's also something about the battle. The battle within myself to at least be reasonable. It's almost like dragging out the inevitable because at the end of the day there's never been a win. I'm then called cruel for leading the poor soul on. For the record, I actually was trying.
But the word I hate getting the most along with cruel
Is "AFRAID"
I mean okay, maybe. But calling me out on that will lead absolutely NO. WHERE. Afraid of intimacy/commitment. Alright and what? Bet if I were a male at my age, this would be the most normative of norms there'd be no point writing a post about it.
But I'm not, and to make matters worse I'm also admittedly a part of the complainers club. "Why not me?" My recurring thoughts following every cutesy instagram pic. "When will my time come?".. Only to turn away every prospect who approaches.
Am I so good at pretending that I've managed to fool myself? I am not at the point where I truly truly want someone else.
And do I not realize how rough the consequences are? Of my actions... Not just on me but the guy as well... Who/what have I turned into? I'm really out here. Toying with dudes...? How did that happen?
I definitely shouldn't be beating myself up for having standards. And not being ready to settle. I refuse. I am though acknowledging my faults. My shortcomings. And the games I've played in my friendships and more than friendships.
For reference purposes my most recent relationship lasted 9 weeks. Guess who ended it. What for... And who's not returning whose messages. Is that even considered a relationship? I wonder
Well to end here, this is meant to be Entry#1 in a "growth" related series. I'll be sure to update you with my progress.
Thanks for listening.
How do you define self-sabotage?
"When we say we want something and then go out of our way to make sure it doesn't happen." ~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
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