It's been close to 5 years since I wrote about sabotaging relationships. And although I'm 100% sure no one was able to make out my extensive psychobabble it was a great reflection post for me.
I was in Oregon enjoying my final year, discussing my habit of crying for closeness only to drive people away once they got close enough. I embraced it at that time. I was coming off devastation. I was regaining my control.
What I was describing I believe we've all gone through. A period of playing games, toxically wishing for the next one to be theee one only to lay out a full thesis on why the one presented couldn't have possibly been it. Then asking the universe for a do over...
Years of finding myself between wasted time, distractions with names and continued sabotage I'm still here.
I'm still interested in a socially distanced manner. I mean...can we do the love without the pain? The love that knows you so well love that is you? When they hurt you, they actually hurt themselves so for the most part we all just decide to work together to prevent any hurt from occurring...
2015/16 Amara most definitely wasn't ready. There was no way with what I was coming out of.
2020 what's my excuse? COVID?
At 26 admittedly I'm still scared. I give my heart out and what next? I love all the way and extend myself so far who catches me if not me? Again.
I've been dipping the tip of my toe in and out of the water for a little too long now trying to stay in charge. I even wrote moving into this whirlwind of a year that I was going to push myself and fully submerge.
Ya girl is still scared. And corona was by far the truest scapegoat.
With the work I've put in and on myself best understand I'm overprotective. Honestly speaking, I've probably been letting out for the right one to be the one who finds me behind this brick wall I put up. I never make sense.
I have this demeanor of intimidation and threat on some Darwinism theory. If he's worth it he'll find a way. They say only the strong survive.
Can love actually be found this way? Doing it all on your own terms, at your own time? Is that still love?
Can you love without putting yourself out there?
Yes I know the answers to these questions. And I really have to trust God. Trust in Him and myself. I've been all about leaning on faith lately.
What good is all that talk if I don't lean with everything?
I admit I've been closed. I admit I've still been sabotaging myself. But nothing closed can receive.
Quarantine has taken the dating world and flipped it on its head...but I can still give chances to those who deserve.
Faith over fear. Faith over fear.
No comments: